The Feeling Of Specialness
Growing up, my parents always paid an extraordinary amount of attention to me. They vigorously encouraged my interests, causing me to believe that I could be anything I wanted to in life. The affirmation I received from getting good grades in school and being accepted socially further confirmed my feeling that I was, in a way, blessed. Not even the low points in my adolescence aroused any real self-doubt in me, for I felt that despite whatever was happening, I was still very fortunate.
Although I haven’t always received everything I wanted in life, I have gotten most of what I wanted most of the time. It was only in college, when I was forced to leave the sphere of security created by my parents, that I finally came to some jarring realizations. First, I learned that there were many people who were not concerned with me or my life in the least, and second, I found that some of my peers were widely considered better than me in areas I had classically considered myself the best in. The sensation was akin to what a celebrity must feel upon entering a remote region of the world where nobody has heard of him.
This apparent fall from grace has turned into an internal struggle that I currently deal with, epitomizing the reason I long for the sanctity of childhood. “Real world logic,” or the reasoning of white-haired psychologists and sober disciplinarians, dictates that I should come to terms with the fact that I am no better than everyone else. Yet this notion seems intuitively wrong - I know that I am special. I know this not because I score in the top percentile of an IQ test or win prestigious awards, but because a feeling deep inside of me, a spirit that fuels my being, tells me so.
Naturally, I feel self-doubt when I am outcompeted or unacknowledged, but my mind is very good at rationalizing it. I often have the distinct feeling that my positive will is being intentionally blocked by others - that, had it not been for their collective negative energy, my will would have prevailed. The idea that I may simply not be special in any particular regard does not enter my mind.
Most would call my line of thinking deluded, egocentric, or paranoid. But I like it. While other people are doubting themselves in order to accord with “reality,” I’ll be over here with the fantasists rooting myself on.
I love having daydreams and placing myself as the ultra cool main character who everyone looks up to. Last time I checked I was born to live for my own happiness, and considering my inadequecy when compared with others doesn’t come into that equation.
Haha.... I am one of those fantasists too. I have enjoyed reading your musings for a while now because I agree with you on pretty much everything but this one really spoke to me. I am what I consider “Lucky”. This means that usually I am blessed by luck with jobs, travel, friends etc. Occasionally when I am dramatically unlucky (ie. I can’t rationalise something bad in my otherwise blessed life any other way!) then I believe it is the luck catching up with me. I can have continual good luck if I am willing to pay for it in big occasional chunks of bad luck. I know it isn’t a reasonable life theory if I really look at it...but you are right, walking around feeling like I will usually be lucky in any given situation sure beats the hell out of being normal and thinking things could go either way for me