I think everyone here has touched on very important points. Same has occurred with me in the past, especially with both of my parents who have been cruel and unkind to me because they themselves where miserable. Yet I kept going and always kept my spirituality as a strength. It was not easy. It took me along long time.  Its hard for others who are miserable to see someone happy, ambitious and positive. At the same time, fake people are really empty inside, so in order to feel better about themselves, they will talk down to you, or make you feel inadequate in some way infront of others.

There are numerous books on Destructive relationships and how to be assertive with people who try to tear you down. To remove negativity out of your life, is to add more positive space in which you can grow, and cutting off people like that no matter who it is, and was the best thing for me. The minute I sense someone is like that, I don’t waste time. life is too short to be wasting it on negative people when you need to use that energy to fulfill your own needs, enjoy life, and fulfill your goals. All the while surrounding yourself with loving people who will allow you to grow

I have been married for 3 years to a man who is not of my ethic background, and who is very negative toward me and my family.He is critical of me and my family. We have never given him any reason to be this way. He is also verbally abusive. When he does not get his way.or if something does not go his way,he thretens me to change the locks on the door, and wants to find women who is not straight, if you know what I mean. I think he has alot more than just a negative personality. I have left him in the past.but he called me back and said he will change, and seek help. But he has not even to attempt to do so. However, I know I have to cut off the marital bonds between us and move forward with my life. I am 50 years old, and time is of essence to me, I have not the time for all this foolishness. Ihave raised 3 children in my life, and I do not need this demonic oerson to tell me what I should do and how to do it. He is also a control freak, He cannot control his life, A nd now he wants to control mine, which I refuse to let him,therefore, he becomes angry and wants to ridicule and threten me for foolish things. Must I mention he has not supported his 2 children from a previous marriage. nor does his children want anything to do with him in no shape or form.I feel he has to have the need to try to control mine because of his past negligence and not being a man and father to both his ex-wife and children, which is so sad. But yet he wants to tell others what and how to live their lives. I am so fed up with his craziness, I can not bear being near him. He has destroyed the love I once had for him. I tell any one KEEP AWAY FROM NEGATIVE PEOPLE. I am in the process of moving out and going on with my life. Being alone is much better than being married to a negative entity, which can break one,s spirit and zest for life.I believe in being positive, and their is no one who is going to break me.

What do you do if the negative person is your spouse? How do you deal with that situation. What do you do if your spouse is master blame shifter?

I have a friend Lori who is not negative but could care less about the way she speaks to anyone.  It is all about her.  I feel the way that she degrades and demeans me with her uppity and so called grace. Hurts, and I used to be jealous of her.  Not anymore.  I used to think having her around that would be an enhancement to my life and social network with people.  Not anymore.  I am great on my own, and now I find that she is the one on the outside, and doesn’t know why ANYone wants to be around her anymore.  It was all about her, and if she couldn’t be the center of attention, she would degrade people and their feelings.  I cannot be degraded because I don’t allow it anymore.  I don’t say anything.  “THE FOUR AGREEMENTS>
Be Impeccable to your word
Don’t take anything personally,
Don’t Make Assumptions
ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST.
IF YOU DON’T FEED INTO THE NEGATIVITY, THEY ARE LEFT WITH THEIR OWN ANGER.  LIVE IN THE LIGHT, AND ASK THE ANGELS TO BLESS YOU WITH WHITE LIGHT, TO REPEL THE NEGATIVITY.
GOD BLESS

Iam sitting here in awe at 12:30am.It all amkes sense now.I have been in a relationship with a man for three years.Before we met I was confident and outspoken..losing weight and happy. After 6 months of being with him I found out I was pregnant and we we’re okay with and happy,But as things started to move forward I discovered he had serious issues with women.Then I met his mother…They are both very critical,judgemental,intimidating and throw adult tantrums.I have never been exposed to these behaviours,ever.I have been ridiculed,put down to the point of tears and accused of everything under the sun by the two of them.Since then,I have gained 60 pounds,I am on an anti-depressant and my self-esteem is lower than it was in high school.I found myself becoming enraged at the drop of a hat.Here I thought I was losing my mind.Then I stepped back for a moment and re-evaluated the situation from a less timid point of view.I have started to stick up for myself and gain some power back,now they are threatening to take my children(we now have 2 daughters).How do I rid myself of them now? It is either stay unhappy for the rest of my life(not that I don’t love him but moms got to go)or risk mud slinging and manipulation with my girls in the middle.I am lost and could use your advise.

I really identify with that statement about wanting everyone to be happy all the time. i think it comes from being raised as a people pleaser. my dreams usually tell me what i need to know when my waking intuitions don’t. I recently got such a sign when i dreamed my son’s needy friend who moved in with us was a black mouse in my coffee. seemed like a harmless annoyance at the time but i realized that he has serious problems and he likes to project them onto me and my son, who originally stuck up for him which he now regrets. lesson from this? it’s not the first time unfortunately but i’ve learned (again) that there are people in this world who know exactly how to get pity from others, especially people with weak boundaries for whatever reason. I have invited pointless conflict into my life when i couldn’t afford it, and tried to help someone who has no concern or compassion for anyone but himself. don’t fall into this trap. increasingly society is filled with these people - don’t let it happen to you before you realize, anyone over the age of six can be a manipulative abuser, and even use subtle threats against you as a way to coerce you into befriending them! it’s much easier to get rid of a newcomer than someone who’s already made themselves comfortable in your life. fortunately everyone who is intimately connected with the person will see through them eventually, because of their inconsistent behavior and the demoralizing effect they have on everyone around them. but don’t expect everyone to have the courage to confront them honestly - when i do, i end up in the wierdest, most maddeningly passive-aggressive discussions imaginable, with his constant back-pedalling whenever he says something honest. family services has told me that i should call the cops on Devon but i am hesitant to allow the drama to escalate because he uses it to get his way in the end. but i have set new boundaries and re-envforce them regularly. he will accuse and cry foul, but it works, because he knows he is the one who is disruptive and addicted to damage, and he is the one who has the honestly guilty conscience and self-hatred that is actually deserved, not me. he even tried to tell me that the real problem i have is not with him - the alcoholic, messed up underacheiver who hates his father. no, my problem is with my popular, honour-student son who doesn’t drink or smoke and who is a normal teenager. the proof is in the pudding, i told him - you are the one who turned out dishonest, narcissistic, hostile. no matter how much he tries i refuse to argue with him. If i have to be firm or even aggressive with him to shut him up, i am careful not to use name-calling and i apologize when i do cross the line. if I act correctly, then at least i’m not to blame when there are problems but… how the hell do i get rid of him? he says he is trying to get into a group home. his father lives around the corner - i know he’s an alcoholic but i’m tempted to call him and just tell him to come and get Devon’s things? Why should i waste another minute on him? should i take his veiled threats seriously? he could cause me some problems if he wanted to be vindictive, because we allowed him into our lives so trustingly. he could twist things and make problems for us, go to my landlord and make up things, but honestly i am afraid he will do worse if he stays, so underhanded that he can easily sneak around without being heard, and i dont’ know what he’s capable of. I think he’ll be gone by the end of June - should i chill, and just hold my ground until he’s gone? Or should I remove his things and lock him out? I already took his key but it won’t do me any good if I can’t be here every minute. I need peace of mind now, both my son and I have actually gotten physicaly ill now over this, my heath was bad and is getting worse and I don’t have time for this, I have a lot to do, and not much time to waste on him.

Hi
This was an awesome site to read comments on tonight after a long term psuedo friend has really done me in with negative tactics.
I have to say that I agree with some of the writers that my friend is basically an unhappy undeveloped soul. Very shy, very immature and socially inept. He is actually a law enforcement officer too. I used to excuse his rudeness and cursing and name calling and plain emotional abuse by thinking his job is more stressful than others but honestly…its’ him it’s not his job. Its a choice, I treated him like an invalid and he continued to behave like one and progressively got more negative, less appreciative, less kind. He used to bring me little gifts and tried hard to win over my attention, like he NEEDED IT..he was an ex co worker of mine. But then as soon as I noticed and gave him my attention, he began to treat me like an old familiar shoe. I am so sorry that I let it go on this long. My friends told me. I was warned so I know it was something in me as well that allowed and allowed this. I called it being a good friend and once in awhile he would throw me a morsel and I would be happy and think he was my friend too. I think that he actually is getting worse though. So I have now thanks to your site, confronted his behavior and told him i refuse it any longer in my life. And we shall see if he tries to change. In the past he has always gotten nervous and changed for a while if I threatened to part ways in any way. Lately, I’m not sure what he will do because we have gotten very close and I know him so well and he knows me that there is almost no where for him to hide anymore. It’s weird. Now he won’t do anything with me, he wont’ hardly call me or answer calls adn he sends one word texts from his new phone. It is so annoying and has broken down any communication thread we had. so Oh well, we’ll have to see. God bless my old grumpy friend and all of you for sharing and Oh YEAH me too for being here to listen and learn. night night.

I agree that negative people are poisonous.  I have successfully gotten rid of a couple negative people in my life.  Now, after over 25 years of pain, I am thinking about my stepmother and how hurtful she is. She is arrogant, rude, and always right. I am a black sheep to her and always was.  My two boys are so close to her and my father though.  My father does not care too much about me anymore. I did not turn out according to his plan.  They spend a huge amount of time with my boys, ages 6 and 7.  It would crush them to cut the grandparents out of their lives.

Whenever I say something to either of them, I am the bad guy. I am a 33 yr old married woman and I still feel like a terrified little girl around them who is not worthy enough to take seriously. 
Is there a way to get her out of my life? Any advise is welcomed.Thanks

To me it seems as if all the kids my age are in a permanant bad mood. How can I make my peers (although they ignore me) lighten up? I see them so ofen, so I can’t just “ditch them” if you get my meaning.

I agree with you completely.  It’s easy to get rid of negative people.  Misery seeks company and there are people who think the world revolves around them.  If you do well, they feel the need to try to bring you down or outdo you.  That’s their insecurity and problem - don’t make it yours.  Keep your personal business to yourself - both good and bad.  Most negative people are phony - they put a smile on.  Read the book “In Sheep’s Clothing” - it’ll open your eyes and you’ll learn to take care of yourself and see through people’s charades. They won’t suck you in.  Enjoy your own company and that of a few trusted people.  Quit telling yourself that you need these people - you don’t.  Realize that they only have power if you give them information to act upon.  Sure, they might still attack or undermine you because it’s all they know how to do - but leave and pick yourself up and move on.  Seek out positivity in thought and in finding positive people - it’s out there - find it and don’t be fooled by those who pretend to be positive.  They have an agenda - a self-serving one - to prove to you and the world that everything is about them.  They’re shallow and that’s it - don’t let them drain you.  Have a great day - each and every day and realize everyone has good and difficult things - it’s part of being human.  Emphasize the positive and deal with the difficult - it won’t go away until you face it head on and accept it.  Life is meant to be enjoyed and to learn how to get through the difficult times - those are called lessons and sometimes, unfortunately, those lessons come in the form of negative people.  Let their negativity fall back on them - they hate when you can see right through them.  Enjoy life and be real along the way.

I completely agree with you. Love your blogs, there very inspiring. I had a 2 year relationship with a guy who had a full blown negative narcississtic personality disorder. The first year was probably the most difficult. They are masters of manipulation so they can lie, cheat and steal with no remorse. And you found yourself second guessing everything and you pummel into a downwards spiral. I was only 22 at the time, but after I came across some psychological information I found peace. I chose to make myself more knowledgable than succumb into a life of malignant insecurities. It was the most difficult and worthwhile thing that I’ve ever pulled myself out of. I picked apart every detail of the relationship and surrounded myself with countless books. I feel so blessed this happened in my life because I wouldn’t be the person who I am today. I opened myself to think outside the box and challenged myself to become knowledgable in anything I held interest in. I feel like I found a certain type knowledge that hits every knowledgable system I posses. I love the way you communicate your thoughts through your writings.

I come from a stepfamily…..well, needless to say its no where near to the ‘Brady Bunch’ but I’ve got a stepsister who is one backstabbing woman….OMG! I did distance myself from her but I’m close to my halfsibling and so is she. Shes close with her also so she moves to our town and now I feel the same old stuff coming around again…......UGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!! So now I feel I must distance myself from my half sibling and her family…..its so unfair but it looks like thats the road it is taking…..

This is the first time I have posted a comment ever.  Am trying to find my voice and express my thoughts without fear of retribution yet sometimes I find myself being negative about another.  On reflection, it is only a problem if someone remembers my negative comment and reports that comment back to the other person.  Some comments have to be let go of.  I think that if the negativity is a continuous stream without moving on, then it is draining for the other person.  I don’t think I stream negativity, but sometimes when I slip into that space where I feel emotionally unlifted, I can voice my opinion about something that I don’t like.  It’s not usually personal but usually comes from a place of hurt.  But then again, some people will read negativity into anything (including me).  It’s difficult to forgive oneself too, when upon reflection, one realises that one has said something that another secretly takes umbrage with.

I think we have choices in our life, and those choices are to be happy or not. If you focus on the negative then you give into that energy. I work with some amazingly negative Managers who unfortunately are there to Manage people (one would have thought positivitely!). All have power over people and wield it ruthlessly for their own end. To take the sting out of their stance I neutralise their barbed comments so as to not give them any fuel for their comments. They soon get bored and move along to someone else far easier a target. These are deeply insecure people - not to mention mean spirited. Funny,I didn’t think I worked in a playground, but it sure feels like it sometimes.

I think with friendship, you should be involved with people for the right reasons. Friendship is a two way street with the foundation of its strength being respect. Without that then you’ll only get resentful when it all goes belly up. I, at 43, no longer want to waste my time with fairweather friends. I have some solid friendships that have stood the test of time and others that have fallen by the way side. Sometimes that’s just the natural flow of things and is sometimes a great indication that perhaps it’s had its sell by date.

Personally, I try and focus on positivity and motivate myself with good food, exercise to and keep myself fit + when I get the blues, and good friendships that have meaning. Chin up people. Life is too short to waste time with negative people draining your time and energy. Find a solution and make it positive.

Great web site and article.
Anthony

the problem with negative people is that negativity is contagious. You hang out with them, you start talking and thinking like them. Run away at any cost. Negative people don’t do you any good. I look at them at a distance, just to remind me the way I don’t want to be.

I have no problem expelling negativity or negative people from my life whatsoever. I don’t speak with my mother, and haven’t in 8 years. Vile! She gave birth to me. That was about the only good thing that chick ever did. LOL! I tell people straight up. Listen, I don’t take this sh** from my family. Do you really think I’m going to take it from you? I always tell people if someone is trying to drag you down you need to completely erase these people from YOUR LIFE. I don’t care if it’s your mother, father, brother, sister or “best friend” since third grade. If they are not contributing to your life in a positive, uplifting way, and they are not being respectful to YOU, then they have absolutely NO BUSINESS WHATSOEVER being in YOUR life.

People may sit there and whine…but she’s my mother, he’s my father, she/he is my best friend…blah blah blah. How can I do that?

How can you do that? It’s called survival baby!

A mother is one who nurtures and gives unconditional love and accepts the creation which was given to her to care for.

A father guides and implements strength and wisdom into their child, and gives them the tools necessary to go out into the world with confidence to succeed and fulfill their potential.

A best friend is one who is supportive of your goals and aspirations even if they are radically different than their own. And a best friend is one who picks you up and dusts you off when you feel the world has kicked you down.

A lot of people don’t have these above. Instead they settle for mediocrity in their parents or their “best friends”. If your parents aren’t parenting you, or didn’t parent you…then parent yourself. If your best friend is dragging you into the mud, become your own best friend. You should be that already.

You have to ask yourself this ONE important question about your parents if you are having difficulties with them and you are pondering cutting one or both of them out of your life.

If this person was not my parent would I choose this person as a friend? If you answer no…then you say…See ya and begin your journey of healing.

Self esteem is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING in the world. More important than love, money or status/standing. Because when you have it, all those things come easily to you.

Each time you “hang out” with NP’S (negative persons) it lowers your self esteem. EACH AND EVERY TIME! Until there is NONE left. You know in your head they are bad for you, and you know you feel like throwing up every time your are in their company, but you keep running back for more. Why?

I’ll tell you why. Because you are afraid. You are EXACTLY like the woman who keeps running back to her drunken, abusive husband…EXACTLY!!! She would much rather stay with her husband because it’s familiar, “safe” and HABITUAL rather than going out into the world and starting a new life for herself. She knows, however, that each time she goes back she is playing with fire, and this time he might kill her.

Similar thing with you. EACH AND EVERY TIME you run back to these negative people you are slowly being killed inside.

A good movie to watch is Grey Gardens with Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange. If you have negative, toxic parents I guarantee this movie will scare the living sh** out of you…and you’ll be like OMG and snap out of your codependent coma real fast!

Thanks everyone, your comments have helped me already.  I can relate to all of this. I have 2 friends that are disgusting.  They embarrass me and degrade me every chance they get.  But when they need someone to listen to their problems or want info on my computer, they are here.  I can’t take it any longer!  From here on, I will be a long distance acquaintance.  Be good everyone.

Almost, but not quite. You still give too much credence to other people’s impact on us. We are not at the mercy of other’s negativity if we do not allow it. Being wholly centered and self-referred takes care of having to “remove” people - they naturally vibrate out of our existence.