Returning To Who We Are
Every time we go out in public, we engage in a series of elaborate social scripts so that we can get along with other people. Pleasantries, formalities, and personal space conventions are all examples of automated behaviors that we exhibit because we seek approval from those around us. They are a common ground for us to stand on, a compromise of our natural inclinations for the sake of civility.
These learned behaviors are useful, of course; the world would be chaotic if everyone did whatever they wanted. Yet it seems to me that we have become oversocialized and lost touch with the fact that most of the time we are, in fact, acting. The proper place for etiquette is not our private lives. If we infuse our own minds with falseness, we lose the ability to understand ourselves.
As kids, we were all conditioned to act the way our parents thought was appropriate. We were given boundaries that we otherwise never would have observed. And along with the positive acquisitions such as saying “please” and “thank you,” were the negative acquisitions, traits that just didn’t fit us. Parents who meant to mold their children into something meaningful shaped them into people they are not. Gentle souls were made aggressive, creative minds were forced to think formulaically, and passionate spirits were dulled to docility.
Imposing learned traits on natural ones endangers our well-being. We tend to favor learned traits, since they often seem logically superior to our natural ones; yet our original impulses can never be thwarted, and the effort to go against the grain of our beings is always in vain. Often, we become confused and restless trying to reconcile what we’ve been taught with what we naturally know.
It would be nearly impossible to deprogram ourselves so that we could once again act the way we did as children. Sometimes I wish for a kind of mental decompression chamber – an inflatable yellow capsule like the moonwalkers they have at amusement parks, where people could jump up and down and scream and curse, mentally unburdening themselves of all of the energy they regularly repress. Something is needed to release people from the thousands of social conventions that bear down on them every day, to connect them - if even for a moment - with their original selves.
I believe that behavioral scripts were meant to function within a social context, not become absolute standards of conduct. No matter how hard we try, we are not the people we were taught to be. We are the way we were born and the way we have become through our own personal exploration – no more and no less.
8 Comments
Thank you for writing this. It serves as a reminder to me that too much of a “good” thing is not good for us. Please continue to express yourself through this site..you are an excellent writer who will help people in many ways.
True… but what is the answer..being yourself 100% or trying to curb it just a bit so you don’t get branded ‘that weird/eccentric girl’.. what if you are really a moody cow..LOL .. ppl might not like you anymore!
You’re writing, it’s breath of freash air!
I’ve always thought that if someone does something with confidence, no matter what they’re doing, nobody will question them.
I’m talking about the truth of course. Believing in yourself is all the charm you need, and that ‘weird/eccentric’ branding will shrink down to nothing in front of your eyes! And they’ll know it too!
Remember we’re the lucky ones, in touch with what’s real and not what’s routine and systematic and catagourised and all the other stresses.
Living in the world of Imagination cannot be some weird/eccentric type of comfort if you’re as much on top of your world when you’re 85 as when you were 5! We’re the lucky ones guys!! :-D
great article i love it, and of course its so true. It seems to a point necessary but we are indeed shaped beyond recognition. Often times failing to even recognize our behaviors as apart of ourself.
< Something is needed to release people from the thousands of social conventions that bear down on them every day, to connect them - if even for a moment - with their original selves. >
Recently I had an experience where I was right in the middle of an overwhelming, stressful situation that basically impacted every area of my life - jobs, location, dwelling, relationships, friendships, etc. - and suddenly, while I was undergoing this tumultuous experience, I was moved to dance. Mind you, I’m not a dancer. It was one of those free-spirited, stupid moves sort of dances, that people only do alone in their room. But I felt like a child again. I felt like myself. And it came at a pivotal moment, released joy, and shed sorrow. When you spoke of how healthy it would be to let go of conventions at times, I was reminded of this.
I have always thought that everyone is a little bit crazy, and that normal is the worst thing that can happen to a person. (What IS normal, anyway???) I have grown to not care too much what people think of me. I don’t really care if they think that I’m a wierdo. I say : WHO CARES!!!! I dance when I babysit, and I sing in the shower. I talk like a baby sometimes, and I cut out fairy pictures. Whatever! If it makes you happy (within reason, of course) than I say: GO FOR IT!!!!
I cant agree with you more Evan..
a friend of mine always wondered howcome I always got home from work with roses and phone nr in plenty. I told her the guy belives Im their dreamgirl..
Within my line of job (casino) my job is to make the guest feel comfterable at the table. You very quickly by a few simple questions and conversation find out what he likes then u ask about it and show interest (they feel flattered if you show that u are impressed), or if you know things about it you can discuss it and come with clever inputs and then they go even more crazy. Being charming and smiling too.. All that gives cash to a girl on commision..
To bad for them Im an angry, mean, stubborn, lonewolf.. What you describe up there is what I call chameleon state of mind. That is a fun thing.. People always wonder what happened with the person they first meet, when the person changes.. I say: they turned into themselves, they did not have the energy to keep the mask up anymore.. (the one people hold up to impress). and actually you can go back to childstate of mind and speak it freely, just be prepared for people to look odd on you and call you by the name of that you are a true original in your young age..
I know that one.. Moooooo